My idea of myself (2020)

History of the project / Director’s statement 

I had a very radical idea to make an uncompromising non-apologetic film with a strong female protagonist. I had a lot of anger in me because I saw so much injustice towards women in my life. In Belarus, where I come from, every 3rd woman is a victim/survivor of domestic violence. In Estonia, where my protagonist Sonya is from, every 4th woman  is a victim/survivor of domestic violence (according to the statistics that I got from shelters). 

School bullying is a very common thing unfortunately in both countries, and all over the world. I strongly believe that childhood really shapes us, those childhood traumas that we get by being bullied or living in dysfunctional families, prevent us from finding our own identity and vocation in life, and make our path to ourselves much harder. It might take a lot of time and years of therapy to get rid of certain traumas, negative patterns from the past etc. Also, statistically women are more likely to be victims, and men - are more likely to be aggressors. Also, women are more likely to try to please men, because in the patriarchal society we all live in, a man is a decision maker and a center of the world. And a woman here to serve him. This is especially true in underdeveloped countries. Like Eastern European countries, former Soviet countries. 

Fashion industry is an apotheosis of patriarchal stereotypes: a woman should look a certain way, dress up like that, behave like this, and speak up when she is allowed to. I wanted to look behind the scenes of the fashion world to reveal how it works and unmask it’s ambiguity. Also, I was interested in how the fashion industry makes its selection - seems like especially young women with low self-esteem (traumatized) got into this fashion trap. In return, women get attention, but have to ‘serve’ the patriarchy and capitalism by exposing themselves in the ways they did not choose. So this film is about the ambiguity of a fashion world, as it’s both an opportunity and a trap, and about identifying and undergoing fears and traumas.    

Description of research 

Topic of patriarchy, feminism, and non-violent communication has interested me for a long time. I watch and read a lot on these topics, feminstic and gender agenda is what I explore constantly. 

I wanted to make one of my semester films on the topic of domestic violence and even did some research in shelters and NGO’s in Tallinn and Parnu. But I could not find a proper approach for the topic. 

When I started to look inside myself, I realised that those women and feminism related topics can be done in different ways. And that I have always been interested in ‘the cover’ and the real face. So I decided that I just need to pick a direction and stick to it. So I decided to search in the fashion world. I made up a text for a potential candidate and started to approach Estonian fashion models, basically doing online-casting with a goal to meet women who are interested. 

My initial text looked like that: 

“We are looking for a protagonist for a short documentary film as a thesis film for the Masters program at BFM. 

We are looking for a woman age approx. 17-25, who is working as a professional model or is working as a model as her side-job. 

We want to tell what is her story of why she is working in the fashion industry and what it is like. What are the challenges and insights: travels, schedule, diet etc. At the same time we want to explore what does it mean for her to be observed all the time by other people, and what kind of criteria does the fashion industry apply for models to be selected for shows or photoshoots. 

Also, we want to talk to her about her understanding of beauty.

We want to film her during her work, when she is getting ready for the show (hair, make up etc) and her during the show/photoshoot itself. Also, during her activities not related to fashion”. 

I wrote to several models, and only my protagonist Sonya agreed to meet and talk. When I first met her (November 2019) - she was very emotional and going through an intense work with herself, undergoing childhood traumas, painful break up with an ex-boyfriend etc. I immediately saw that she is a vulnerable and kind soul. And that my film can also be a bit therapeutic for her. She agreed to be part of my film. But it took a while before I got real trust and she let me be closer, opened up and started to talk and let me film her. During the quarantine related to COVID-19 I got quite a lot of footage of her too. I was lucky, as her boyfriend Dima is a DoP. 

Considering Sonya’s childhood experience, the topic and direction of the whole film was a bit changed. My main point was that I wanted to make this film with empathy and support, and since Sonya was very conscious, I decided to reveal a bit of my own story too, to stand up with her and not leave her exposed in the film alone. This worked well. And actually turned into a therapy both for me and for Sonya. 

My research on the topics that interest me is going on. 

Reference films: 

‘Searching Eva’ (2019 Pia Hellenthal

‘The Disappearance of My Mother” (2019) Beniamino Barrese

References books:

‘Men explain things to me’ Rebecca Solnit 

‘The unexpected joy of being single’ Catherine Gray 

‘Wired to connect’ Amy Banks 

‘Visual Pleasure and Narrative Cinema” Laura Mulvey 

‘The Beauty Myth’ Naomi Wolf